Hello Love: Connecting With Your Spouse
By Jennifer Thorpe
“Connection is paramount to our human experience…and it influences our mind, body, and soul” -Autumn McCain, MS in MFT
A connection is incredibly vital to our relationship with our spouse. We know this to be accurate, and yet we can easily fall into disconnection quickly. Often, we can focus on the negative and the staggering statistics of divorce. Today we are going to focus on preventing disconnection! Your marriage and love should be nurtured and cultivated. When we first fall in love and get married, euphoria is intoxicating. Romance is in the air, and we are ready to plan our lives away. Yet, how do we move deeper into a connection that is committed for a lifetime? You are my person through the highs and lows, pure joy and losses, victories and failures, and more! How do we say I am with you through EVERYTHING? The answer….by continuing to foster and cultivate a healthy environment for your love to grow deeper.
I am not a gardener. However, I have learned a great deal about cultivating our lawn. There are seasons to contend with, preparations to be made, continually pruning, and cutting for our grass to grow beautifully. It needs to stay hydrated and enjoy the sunlight for it to flourish. The same is true of our relationships. Part of the dating process is getting to know someone and figuring out if this is the person of my dreams. After getting married, we need to keep building.
One way to cultivate your marriage at every stage is to decide to be a learner of your spouse. Do you know their desires, fears, signals for a need, when to listen, and how to support them? These are just a few questions. However, remember you and your spouse are continually evolving and changing. Also, your life stages change. Work, extended family, and other activities can impact your time, availability, and stability. Thus, stay in tune! You will be better for it!
Another way to cultivate your marriage is to be intentional about your time spent with one another! Make incredible memories, laugh hard and lots, because challenges will inevitably come. When you feel loved and connected, somehow, the problems are endured with unity versus separation.
Disconnection is a normal part of life and will occur in your marriage. It is natural! There are ways to avoid it but, more importantly, come back to Connection quicker. You can start by being gentle with yourself and spouse, make a conscious effort to ask yourself what’s upsetting you, actively listen to hear the root issue, create a safe space to talk openly, and decide the conversation will be respectful and honest. As you talk, you may be able to identify an unhealthy pattern. If mistrust is an issue, more work will be need. It’s ok to get outside help to heal emotional and mental pain. If the conversation becomes too difficult, take a moment or even a day and return to it! Try not to say hurtful words that cause more damage. And again, it’s ok to get help if you become stuck. Your relationship is worth it and deserves it!
Cultivate, connect, cultivate, and connect. Keep dating and learning each other! During these times of Covid-19, it can be challenging. Maybe it was challenging before the pandemic. Yet, don’t underestimate a long walk, a picnic inside your house or outside. Some other ideas are movie night, enjoying coffee together over breakfast, and connecting through touch. Cuddling, hugging, and having sex is beautiful. They can release oxytocin and can help you bond with your spouse. If you have small children, make an effort to get them on a routine and in bed at a decent hour. I know you may be tired, but you’ll never regret the benefits of enjoying your spouse. If your kids are older, you may want to let them know mom and dad have a date. Older children need structure and boundaries too! Again, it can be challenging, but your kids seeing you make time for each other will not go unnoticed! Whatever stage you are in or season, I encourage you to make a plan. If you plan it, it will most likely happen. When you have no kids, it’s easier to be spontaneous. Either way, being deliberate is thoughtful! Oh, and don’t get distracted with what everyone else is doing or posting on social media. You and your spouse are unique. Find what makes you both connect and do so in small and big ways that bring each other joy! Happy Cultivating!!!!